Hiatus - Pained.

I just have been experiencing a ton of shitty things in life since the last time I was here. To be honest, I think I have outgrown a ton of petty things..I'd rather let bygones be bygones than to nitpick every single thing & start barking like a mad dog at useless & time-wasting issues. But some things are just much too much.........

Life at home ain't looking so good..I thought I could take it without big sis or lil bro around but I was wrong. Everything pisses me off lately yet I still plaster a smile on my face; nobody needs to know, right? But that has been taking a toll on me..Overall I feel like a broken doll. It is true then what people (including my own aunt) say about being a middle child; it is the hardest! As much as I want to just up & disappear & to do my own thing, I can't. This stupid sense of filial piety, I guess, just keeps me from doing so..

Fuck it. My life is screwed up anyway..I already know big sis ain't ever coming back; she managed to escape the "perfect prison" & if I were her, I would do the same - leave & never look back. Lil' bro is also on the road to shutting everyone out & not giving a damn about them anymore. He just does as he pleases now & I only wish that I had the courage. I can still recall the heart-to-heart that he had with me & the words he said, "Why? Why do you care & how can you stand it?? I can't. Maybe you can. Or maybe you can still pretend but I can't take it anymore. The moment I can, I am gone." Mind you, he was about 15-16 at that time. To scar a child (I still think teens are children as they are at their most vulnerable state - mind-wise at least) to the point of them wanting to leave home behind is definitely speaking volumes on how the home is actually like; despite the picturesque image you put out there.

This is the first time I truly went all out, no smokes & mirrors, just plain, clear, raw insight to how emotionally-disturbed my life has been all these years. Big sis has it worse than me but I am beginning to crack under the unbearable pressure being placed on me since no one else is around. Life sucks. Sure, I have a roof over my head, a ton of food, a relatively easy life & am healthy, but mentally & emotionally, I am wrecked. Destroyed. Crushed. Broken. Probably the main reason why I have an excellent poker face for all sorts of situations. My face will never portray my true feelings as my heart has probably closed off a lot more than I assumed in the last few years. Perhaps the next couple of years will be last I stay here. The moment I have done paying my dues (which I actually have already done so by getting the friggin' bachelor's degree that is worth much more to my dad than my well-being & happiness) I will disappear. I am at my breaking point but hey, the people around me won't know..All I have to do is put a smile on my face & pretend everything is peachy as always, :) right, mum & dad? Now aren't you proud? :)


XOXO,


Velx.


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