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Monday, October 16, 2017

One year ago...

October 16, 2017 0 Comments
One year ago...
I was still having late nights, aspiring to be a good student, trying to make my parents proud with a Master's degree.

I was still being young & foolish. I played around & only got serious when needed.

I was still "green" & allowed people to walk over me. I took the fall even when it was someone else's fault & I was just a bystander. I allowed other "more intellectual people" belittle me & I just held it in.

I still put others' feelings before mine & I swallowed my words even when I felt wronged.

I was in major depression...And I broke down.

One year ago...

I had my first mental block. My first mental breakdown...And I cried in front of other people, with whom I have no good relationship with.

I had my first meeting with a psychologist & psychiatrist

I was introduced to test & diagnosis. And although I have known for years, it still stunned me that I had severe clinical depression.

I had to sit through hours or weekly counselling & therapy sessions; only to end up feeling worse time & time again.

One year ago...

I was introduced to a new friend; fluoxetine. I told myself:
I am not going to make it. This is it.

Miraculously, day by day, I managed to keep up a facade & live for another day.

I told my siblings for the first time about my condition & as expected, they thought I was kidding. But with time, they started to understand. Although at times it still seem like they take it lightly.

I also told my aunt for the first time & nearly cried in the middle of mass as she kept talking to me. I am so sorry, Father. We didn't mean to.

Slowly, I was starting to get better.

Now, one year later...

I am still living. Most people laugh when I answer them with "I'm still living" when they ask me how I am; they have no idea how important it is for me to just be alive another day.

I am slowly recovering. The long nights & gloomy days are getting farther & few in between. I no longer think about sedatives & death. I no longer have moments of darkness.

I have come to learn to love myself as a person & not just as a "trophy". I am worth more than the labels people put on me. I am worth much more than a piece of paper.

I am learning to grow & be a better adult. I am starting to fall in love with all the things that I used to love in the past but gave up on due to my depression.

I no longer put much weight into the things that people say & start to live life the way I want to. Though I DO need to work on my physical weight 😂...

I cut ties with those that only made my depression worse be it colleagues, friends or even educators.


Although I am still a ways from a full recovery, I can proudly say that one year later;
I am still alive.